I just wrote this for my FanVue. I’m just pasting it as is as I’m going through a really tough evening. Ass Worship – Femdom Clip, short though ≈ 1 min.
Good evening 🙂
Joker says “I’m a man of my word.”
I say “I’m a girl of principle.”
Patreon doesn’t sit well with me, and it’s not that it’s like a janky clunky platform that pi$$es me off – it’s that I have to pay $60 for a feature that came with Substack.
And when I see something that’s a blatant rip-off – I’m very hesitant to become the fool who buys it.
But Stripe and its payment service not recognizing Th. (my country) is making me feel like I’m involved in a for¢ed marriage with Patreon.
See, I’m wasting time again (another 30 minutes gone) trying to find any alternative that doesn’t use Stripe. Fuck I hate monopolies. I also hate PɐyPɐl as they have shut me down before simply for being Thai. I sh*t you not – I used the thing once during covid and it was closed on me the next day.
Like, in a way – I don’t fully blame original Jaa for destroying as many lives as she did to get out of here and live oversees, and do so at any cost. Anyone with ambition I think hits a point where they just have to leave and live under a normal set of rules.
Like, read this bit from chatGPT for context :
Ghost is a popular open-source content management system (CMS) designed for professional publishing, offering features like memberships and subscriptions. By default, Ghost natively supports Stripe as its primary payment processor for handling subscriptions and payments. However, since Stripe’s services are limited in Thailand, this poses a challenge for your situation.
While Ghost doesn’t natively integrate with other payment processors, it’s possible to manually integrate alternative providers such as PayPal, Paddle, or Lemon Squeezy using Ghost’s API and webhooks. This approach requires additional configuration, especially for managing recurring payments.
GHOST FORUM
Paddle, for instance, acts as a Merchant of Record, handling global sales taxes on your behalf, which can simplify international transactions.
GHOST FORUM
Alternatively, some users have considered creating Patreon accounts linked to PayPal to manage subscriptions, as Patreon supports payment options more broadly available than Stripe.
GHOST FORUM
In summary, while Ghost primarily supports Stripe, you can explore manual integrations with other payment processors to accommodate your needs in Th__iland.
What is a Ghost API and Webhook? Do I even want to bother trying to spend another 2-3 days translating website after website just to understand what that means and how I’d be able to make Ghost work for me. So, thank you no.
I have these dreams. They’re so big. They float around my head endlessly. And would it be that I lived anywhere else that wasn’t a sideways or downward hop between countries (like say from living here to living in Laos) – my chances of realizing those dreams would be so much higher.
I think, what I’m starting to realize is that the most valuable thing in the world isn’t gold, isn’t money, isn’t wealth – but a world class passport. I think that’s what Jaa realized when she did what she did.
Basically, this right?
The needs of the one – outweigh the needs of the many.
Want to know how hopelessly dumb I am sometimes?
I went to my secret little art / coffee shop – that’s a little slice of heaven – for the purpose of showing you how I make my stories … from concept to writing them and making my first really good YouTube video out of the idea because I’m sure there’s not many people out there who have gone to the lengths I’ve gone to just to be able to communicate on a foreigner’s level.
So I sat down and started jotting down my digital notes in Thai and speaking them out like I’m giving a Ted Conference on the subject and then it hit me … I need a secondary device to actually record what I’m doing.
Normally I use my iPad when doing this but I rode my bike to the art resort and didn’t want to carry something heavy. It just didn’t click in my brain that I needed to bring a recording device if I’m using my phone.
I just do the dumbest things sometimes.
If I could change this great line to match my current life and how I’m thinking about things:
It’d be:
I guess I realized I’m just Wael. As much as I wanted to be Stephen King, I’ll always be Wael.
I can tell you this – it’s my newest thought and brought on no doubt by the past 48 hours of being (mostly) Haloperidol free. If I go back to being a Mistress – I really risk having a mental breakdown all over again.
My mind is racing at 1,000 km/hour only … it’s doing that every second. Like, my perception of time is speeding up. I think, or at least, I hope this will even out / taper off soon. But I am feeling first-hand what the total absence of Dopamine and Serotonin for 1/2 a year and now its sudden resurgence is doing to me.
That everybody is so mean to me right now is really affecting my mood swings and I’m very well aware of it this time. What I’m trying to say is that my life right now at this moment is like I realize I’m Bruce Banner … trying to keep The Hulk contained. Know what I mean?
I know I don’t do well with stressful situations when there’s little to no Haloperidol in my system – and this thing going on with my family is as stressful to me as all the other stressors that caused the breakdown in BKK at the end of 2023.
It’s like I’m acutely aware that conditions exist to spark a forest fire. Or, I’m acutely aware that the conditions exist for Bruce that would cause The Hulk to burst loose.
In my opinion – to start doing femdom sessions would act as a trigger , like a time trigger. Meaning, it would place me back – in my mind’s eye – to similar things I was doing in 2023.
It’s not even an argument over whether I need Haloperidol in my system or not. It’s that it was shoved into me for the past 7 months and I’m now dealing with the effects of its absence … this racing mind. Like a red-lining racecar.
I need a hug. Fuck I need a hug in the worst way. Ya me – a Mistress – saying openly that I wish that my sister or my dad or my mom – who’s been silenced by them … would come and hug me. Or even any of the long term “slaves” who became friends more than my submissive’s. I feel like I’m walking a lonely path at a time where my brain is overflowing with all these substances that were actively being blocked for the past seven months.
See, I’m crying again. I was super happy a few hours ago at the art shop sitting there having coffee. But then I couldn’t sit at the art table and paint something, I started shaking, my hand was trembling. Was it the coffee? The caffeine? The adrenaline from the bike ride … it’s like a 30 minute ride there and I haven’t been able to do many bike rides at all these past few months as my brain shut down more and more.
Remember I told you and wrote about all those attempts to go to Jiu Jitsu class and make the 2 hour ride there and the 2 hour bike ride back? Or the 2.5 hour off road bike rides I’d try to take to fight the effects of the Haloperidol? I could make those heroic exercising attempts from month one to month four , but it became harder and harder to summon the energy to fight back.
It’s why I said enough is enough this week. It was going to end me, either this month or next or the one after that, I’m sure of it. And like I told the doctor – I would much prefer to die instead of taking another shot in the ass. Hands down – prefer to die.
But oh my gosh, this is like a whole new hell. I guess this is the recovery phase like the recovering addicts in the recovery centers I see in movies who have ‘the shakes’ and are curled up in a ball crying on the floor. That’s this, right now.
I have – hidden between the shirt my teddy bear is wearing and it’s furry back – a packet of what you guys call an edible. A big one. I bought it as sort of an “in case of emergency – break glass” moment. I’m getting close to that moment.
These electrical shocks on the right side of my head won’t go away. My heart rate as I sit here on my sofa with the air conditioner on and without me moving a muscle is 92bpm. I’m normally at 52.
I don’t want to take a full tablet. Yet, I don’t think 1/4 or 1/2 is enough. But a full tablet feels like defeat.
And I don’t know, nobody will talk to me, I have to type my way through this in silence. I feel awful. I just want to feel normal. For once. Please, please, please, please, please. please. Just for one day, can I feel normal?
Can I not have any road blocks put in front of me?
Can I just sit in a hammock and read a book maybe?
I think I’ll just go write poetry. No ai, no iPad, nothing complicated … just sit and write poetry in my language like I used to do.
This must be how Charlie felt in Flowers for Algernon. At the end when it was all too much for his brain.
I have to shower again – 3rd time since I got back from the bike ride because the stress is making my body smell so awful. Gosh if I face sat you – you’d pass out , or you’d tap out and use your safe word inside of 5 seconds. It’s like a skunk smell .. and I have no idea what skunk smell smells like because I’ve never seen a skunk. But I’ve seen Pepe Le Peu on cartoons.
I think I’m going to shut out the lights and try and lay down. It’s way way way awful. In case of emergency break glass. Will that help? I’ll try to meditate first.
Gosh how do I condense this post to put on my other blogs? See, I can’t go lay down. I have to say something on OF and then LF and then SB and then IG and jaa4u and Paterioion and then I can lay down.
102. Heart is 102 and I’m doing nothing. 104. 103. 104.
Let me try humor.
Funny lines I remember from movies.
“Who are you? And how did you get in here?”
“A locksmith and … a locksmith.”
I don’t remember what movie that was.
Sigh. You know who I am? I’m Dell. John Candy from the end of Planes, Trains and Automobiles only – there’s no Steve Martin coming to invite me to a nice home for Thanksgiving. It’s not even Thanksgiving. Valentine’s day is three weeks away. Do Americans eat something special for Valentine’s Day? No, not pussy. Other food. See, I can make jokes still.
Seriously, what is this with my brain? Ah. I have a great visual for you of what I feel like right now. Star Trek 1 – when they are on the bridge and looking at all the lighting effects that seemingly never ended. That’s what it’s like only its in my brain.
What’s interesting to me is that yesterday was like a mini-version of this, but tonight is woof. It’s yesterday time 1,000.
I should post this video. It’s sexy. You guys like sexy me doing sexy things 🙂
