I can’t put my finger on what it is , but here on my 31st birthday what I can say definitively is that I’ve never felt so far removed from the path of life I thought I was on, and that’s made me more depressed than I’ve ever felt before in my life.
What I do know is that this is the most fit I’ve ever been , having done two hours every day with my personal trainer for well over a year now , and subsequently this is the hottest I’ve ever looked. Which in turn means that my sessions, because they’re based on harnessing the natural desires in men when aroused , are as good as they’ve ever been. I’ve literally melted men and had them wrapped around my finger time after time this last month. Strangely, in the sessions where I’ve thrown the personna of acting dominant out the window , those have been the times I’ve been the most dominant as men wilt before me like a flower in the presence of a desert storm.
Yet, here I am single on my birthday , again , and worse – so alone.
Not lonely per se , as I’ve learned to deal with all my free time by adhering to an arduous schedule of hard workouts, double sessions every day , and a ton of time spent with email discourse.
So not lonely, but alone.
If you had told me after University a whole decade ago that I’d still be single and still living in Bangkok , I’d have told you that you were nuts. But that’s the truth of the matter isn’t it.
The thing is , though I want love, though I seek it , and though I covet it , I simply cannot live with a man under the same roof. People’s habits drive me crazy , be it their uncleanliness or their penchant for lying , or their substandard goals for what they want to achieve in life. So how can I possibly get married , have kids , and share a life when proximity to another man for any extended length of time repulses me? I can’t can I ?
I’ve reflected on whether it was this lifestyle of being a mistress and the mind set that comes with it that perhaps has driven me to be so non accepting of traditional co-habitation arrangements. No I don’t think so. I’ve been able to successfully separate mistress life from personal life so far , I’m fully aware of who I am when I’m not working and I’m happy with myself. I’m happiest the most when I’m at the gym because in those two hours every day there’s just me and the weights I’m squatting or benching. It’s not that I love weight lifting with a coach pushing me to my limits , it’s that it feels like a goal .. each set , each rep , each workout is a goal that I can accomplish.
I just answered an email where I was asked how are things by saying – not so good really as I don’t feel I have a life goal right now.
I used to want children – now I don’t. So that path is crossed off.
I used to want marriage , now I don’t think I’m the type who is cut out to live with a man.
I used to want to get as far away from Thailand as humanly possible , and I still want that but since I used to think that the path to doing that was through love and marriage , I don’t rightly know how to pursue that dream any longer.
The only thing I know is that I’m a hell of a good mistress. Probably , I’d say it’s a fair guess that I’m one of the best in pretty much all of Asia. It comes naturally , so naturally nowadays that I’m surprised at how I fit the role so snug like an old worn mitten on a cold winter’s day.
However, that’s not what I ever aspired to be in my life. If that’s all I am , I find life – wanting.
There must be more out there but I don’t know how to find it. Not yet anyways.
So when I say I feel alone, I mean – I feel like I’m disconnected from the planet , if that makes any sense. Disconnected from the path the universe has or had in store for me , those warm fuzzy thoughts about life that I had , and that we’ve all had back in our youth , have all dissipated , and instead I’m left with a void. One that I fill with nothing but routine every day.
Someone who somehow happened across my only presence on social media the other day asked me why I disguise my online presence as a wolf.
Well that’s who I am, a lone wolf. Respected, appreciated , but never fully understood , and at the end of the day she walks alone in the woods and it’s lonely howls are so distinct they are instantly etched in your mind forever as something beautiful to listen to.
In reality however, they are lonely cries , not founded out of self pity but out of fact.
You see no tears falling down my face , but if you look deep into my eyes , you can see them flowing from my soul.
xx
p.s: I’m not much of a Financial Dominatrix , I don’t see the point in demanding money from men and giving nothing in return. Seems a bit selfish in my opinion. However, if you did want to do something for my birthday , you can always send an Amazon Gift Card to my email address ( [email protected] ) .