Good morning everybody 🙂 I’m writing this on FanVue. It’s where I live, it’s where I love to interact. And let me say … First, I LOVE , like absolutely LOVE all the discussions I’m having with the 7 of you. It makes my day to log in and open messages and just chat with what are now not only my best friends in the world but my only friends.
It might be a tiny community, but I enjoy the interaction more than I enjoy anything else in my day.
That being said, as you know, there’s a lot going on right now that has taken my mind to some pretty dark places these past 3-4 days.
I am refusing, no matter what the cost, to suffer another 30 day slow-release injection.
I don’t care what the consequences are, they are inconsequential to what will happen if I let them jab me yesterday or this morning … as I now have a meeting with the part of the hospital’s “big boss doctor.”
I have had the most terrifying of dreams this week, night after night – warning me that I will die if I let them jab me again. Now, I’m quite aware that this might be the fear I have of the 2-3 state of being in what is pretty much a coma from the 24th to the 27th of every month, for 8 months in a row.
These were not normal dreams. They were like messages. Look, I’m not even attempting to dip a toe into the occult world, or some mysterious alternate reality … no not at all.
The dreams were terrifying. The kind you wake up from and are terribly disturbed by. And each night they all had the same message, I’m going to die if I go into that coma like state again.
I… I can’t stand it, the feeling like no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I want to get up and go on a bike ride or just … fuck, walk to the end of the lane and back … it’s just not physically possible.
So let me say this to the world so anyone being pushed onto this stuff can know … Haloperidol is a journey into hell.
And I’m simply not going into hell any longer. I’m a good girl. I love people, I love the world, and most of all, I love life.
Yesterday, I didn’t allow my family into the doctor’s office and it caused a huge scene. My father you see, isn’t the kind of person who takes lightly being told what to do. He has one of those bad-cop personalities and enjoys people fearing him. Now, at 70yo, he’s calmed down with what made him so intolerable growing up … but it’s still there.
You don’t beat the sh*t out of a woman (my mom) time and time again if you’re a good person and that monster never ever leaves the soul – so I know its there and I saw it in action yesterday.
Had you been there, you would have been proud of me. I didn’t think the two years I spent failing at Jiu Jitsu – basically being the worst Jiu Jitsu practitioner ever – had an effect on me. I thought the techniques I learned simply made my femdom wrestling sessions better.
But there was a calmness in me yesterday and a fearlessness that I can honestly say, – if this is how I go down – if this is how I bow out – then I do so being so proud of how I stood up to him and the doctor yesterday.
When I was first trying to get good at Jiu Jitsu I used to watch Rener Gracie and Ryron Gracie’s videos that basically take you from knowing zilch about how to fight to mastering the science. There was one video where Rener was talking about what learning Jiu Jitsu gives you that rung a bell in my head and made me want to continue to learn instead of giving up on what I was truly awful at.
He said something like “Jiu Jitsu, even when you’re only a blue belt (as I am) and you see how impossible it is night after night for any white belt to defeat you – gives you the ability to walk down the street and when somebody looks at you in the eye as you pass by … to think “hmmmmm” , smile to yourself and keep on walking.
That ‘hmmmm’ means – would that person, regardless of his gender or size, do something more than look at me – the result of what would happen next would not be in question. That ‘hmmm’ is a way of walking through the world with total confidence, ego-less confidence.
When I stood in front of the doctor’s door blocking my father and my sister and with so many people behind them in the waiting area staring at me slack jawed (its just not in our culture for a woman to act this way) – I did so kind of like how Neo stood at the end of The Matrix when he fought Agent Smith disinterested with one hand.
It was a “no” moment.
I didn’t raise my voice, I didn’t get mad, there was no pushing and shoving – it was simply a “no – you’re not coming in – and my demeanor, if you read it correctly, will tell you that this decision is absolute.”
I’m in a different mind-set right now and yesterday than I have ever been in.
Ever. Like, ever, ever.
This is absolute. I’m leaving in 20 minutes for the hospital to speak to the doctor in charge, the supreme court of justice if you will – by comparison. And it doesn’t matter one bit what they are going to say or do – I’m not getting the injection.
And yes, I realize that I talked and befriended a 20 year old girl in the mental ward in December of 2023 who was just as steadfast – and they had broken her by way of brain shock therapy … so I know where this road of defiance can lead. And I’m so ready for it.
Why?
Because THAT – if that is indeed the worst they can do to me – is nothing compared to what this injection does to me. Think about that for a moment.
I would MUCH rather submit myself to electrical shock therapy than suffer another injection.
And for what? For WHAT? For what reason are they doing this?
Because I had a mental breakdown that slowly evolved from September of 2023 to December of 2023?
That my actions back then – I’m talking about that night at the airport – demand that I get treated like this 2 years after the fact?
No.
This is all because of what happened in 2000.
For in 2000 you see, two things happened.
One, I finished high school and not only asked for a loan to go to a local cooking college, but I then asked for another loan to pay for a course at the Dusit Thani Cooking School which earned me a certificate and a shot at working not as a low-level cook but as a sous-chef in training right from the start.
The second thing that happened in 2000 is my family leased this land from the land office on a 25 year lease. In prime farmland, you don’t ever own the land, you lease it in 25 year time segments.
It is now 25 years later and the outstanding balances on both my student loan and the land loan are due on December 31st.
And my family doesn’t have the money to pay for it – and more importantly – as I’ve hidden what I do for a living from them, they also think I’m destitute, and so – the logic takes them to having the home and land away from them by the bank.
But there’s a loophole you see. Found by my sister who has severe down syndrome – but who’s brain has been self-taught to use that disadvantage to extract a living from by discovering all the loopholes that can be exploited.
The most important of which being that any loan can and will be forgiven if the person who owes the money is classified as a cripple , and that can mean mentally crippled , as in insane.
Taa daa.
Can I pay for the loans, both of them? I have been paying the minimum payment, yes, for the entire time, and my daughter’s university loans – I have two daughters so both of them. And I’ve been paying the land lease costs every month. I’ve been supporting this entire family for the past 25 years by myself. No lie.
My intent is to keep paying the monthly installments until December of this year and then biting the bullet and paying both of them off in the last month.
They – want the whole thing forgiven – at the expense of having me locked up. They’d prefer of course that I’m not locked up … that I play along nicely and suffer these injections …. but I’m not going to do that.
It’s a trust thing.
And with me, trust is what life is founded on. They simply must trust that I will be someone they can count on – just as they have counted on my for the past 25 years. Just that, only that. I’m trustworthy.
I want to be someone who can be trusted.
But if you really, I mean really want to know who I am and what I stand for … then know that I have something like a martyr syndrome that drives me.
If they leave me alone, the debt will be paid – my way, at my convenience. If they choose to go this way then they’ll lose me, and I’m fine with that. My life will have served to teach people the consequences of their unjust actions.
I simply want my life to have a purpose, in the purest way possible.
To you – this won’t make sense. Nobody in 2025 lives their lives this way. But I do. I’m as basic as basic can get. I think as purely as anyone can possibly think.
This is why I went to meditation courses growing up , time and time again, so that I can sit motionless, thoughtless for an entire day and transcend this world to another place … that I can’t possibly begin to explain to you. To anyone in 2025 – this sounds stupid. A fruitless thing to be able to accomplish. Maybe. But I’m able to simplify my mind in a way that very few people can.
It’s why I have a Buddhist tattoo all the way down my back. I’m not a religious fanatic, not even close. But I’m fanatical about the purity of life and what things stand for.
Like, when I heard Jack Nicholson say in A Few Good Men – “we use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as a backbone defending something, you use them as a punchline.” <– it resonated with me, very much so.
Because who I am and what I stand for – is exactly what he said. You live your life in a certain way that defends something. For him, that meant freedom, for me – that means integrity.
And they’re knocking on my door. They can wait.
I stand for the right way to treat human beings. I stand for the right way to approach life – to see it as a gift and something to not only cherish but to do something – uh, if not great then at least worthwhile with the time we are given.
I was born basic and I was born as a simple person … but I tell you this – I was born of a pure mind. And that mind I will keep no matter what happens now.
Sorry, I have to go. I sincerely hope I can still talk to you later today.
Enjoy the clip – it’s one of my finest.
^ For jaa4u.com and my Patreon … I don’t have time to add photos or the clip, I’m sorry. I just have time to paste this as they are literally honking the car’s horn in anger outside my home right now. I hope I have time to polish this up if I’m allowed back home.
Be good everybody, love you all 🙂
Wael
