A most unclean thought not only invades my dreams every night now but it permeates the furthest corners of my mind the way a storm would displace sunshine. I don’t like to hurt anybody or anything and I’m the type of girl who would sidestep an ant and as recently as last week I took thirty minutes to help a moth escape from my bathroom to my balcony so it could live on. I love life and I believe all life is sacred and probably the very reason I do this job if we get right down to it is to help people feel better, I’m like a therapist and a quick search for that word in my gmail reveals that 22 people I’ve seen this year consider me to be exactly that for them.
With some people I’m 1000 emails into discourse with, taking the time each and every day to not only discuss any number of topics but sometimes to just be a sounding board that they can bounce their day to day gripes off of. I do so without thought of gaining future revenue by being there for them I just do it because I tend to concern myself with others more than I’m concerned about myself. I think that to be truly happy one should acquire an honest interest in the other person and always try to see the good in them.
Though, I’ve recently come across not one but two people that are just downright evil. In fact, they go far beyond evil. They are life-shattering people, and more than that … they are fully cognizant of their evilness.
It’s been a week since I’ve written anything for this blog, and even these guys that I email every day have felt this haunting change in my discourse with them but they haven’t been able to put their finger on what exactly is wrong with this sweet therapist that enchants their lives every day. My answer is that I can’t write when my heart is besieged with hatred, a feeling of malice toward two individuals so severe that in my dreams I am not judge and jury over their lives, I am their executioner.
As I wrote to my girlfriend the other day “he simply needs to be hurt” in talking about the first person i’m referencing. Here’s the weirdest goddamn thing though, and to understand this thing you have to know how my brain thinks. For instance, I don’t play with Ouija boards; do you know why? I don’t know one way or another if there are evil spirits in some other dimension – I don’t propose to know and I don’t have a strong opinion either way. But I sure as hell am not going to start playing with the fucking thing and become a possible conduit to that realm. I don’t believe in doing or saying anything that invites trouble as doing so is usually a self fulfilling prophecy.
So when I recently described the first evil cunt as an “evil pedophile like creature” and didn’t immediately erase it in my first draft, I think that whatever spirit there is that lurks over my shoulder and saw me write that sought it upon itself to introduce to me what evil really is.
Like fuck. Motherfucker. How does one get enjoyment out of shattering a life?
You know, with all my sessions packed into 2 days this week I’ve been playing this game called The Witcher , though I’m not a gamer girl I just love anything to do with Witching, magic, fantasy type stuff , heck I even went by myself yesterday to see The Witch Hunter to get my mind off things. Anyways, in this game along the main plot I had to make a decision whether or not to kill this Botchling, a deformed and discarded evil baby and though it made this quest impossibly difficult – for me anyways – by choosing to save the creature I couldn’t even bring myself to destroy such a life in a video game.
Then I realized, some things just need to be put out of their misery. I went back in the story line and this time while holding a sword to the baby’s head I imagined what either of these two fucklings would say if it was them at the end of my sword and I asked “how did you get enjoyment out of shattering a life?” They’d either smile or laugh, I’m sure of it as they are without understanding of the consequence of their actions.
I sat there with my mouse holding the sword to this thing’s skull for minutes on end until the mouse click finally became an emotionless thing to do. After a great deal of time contemplating life and its inherent meaning and importance I drove my sword through its skull and in doing so came to terms with the fact that for me it wasn’t just the right decision – in the end it was the only decision.
Right now these two entities are thousands of miles away from me. Eventually, they’ll both make the mistake of coming here. When they do, and I’m face to face with either of them finally, their fate is as simple as a mouse click away.
moreevilthanyou xx